this morning I got a call from my sister who was balling and crying. She stated she was so proud of me and my recovery because she thought she was going to lose me to my addiction. She said she told her coworkers and they too was crying. I told her to stop as only a brother can say. At that moment I gave way to remembering when she found me Asleep on a park bench. At that time I really thought I had it all figured out even though I had traded all my belongings including my home for my next bundle and as long as I had that I was good. Everything revolved around my next package. Where I slept or ate or bathed was not as important as my next cop. Addiction changes ones perception of what is important. My reality was riddled down to individual packets of drugs. The money in my pocket was not mine I was just holding it for the drug man. I would complain about the cost of a soda but give hundreds to the drug man. Debate about spending money for a room to sleep in or sleep in an abandoned house to save the money for the next day’s cop of drugs. The sad reality that had become my miserable life. My every waking moment enslaved to a substance where 1 was too much and 100 was never enough. An existence where you become sick and tired of being sick and tired. The fact that you carried this 900 pound gorilla around on your back each and everyday with no end in site. A reality where death seems the only way out. A reality where but for a moment of my sanity my miserable life would have ended prematurely just like my father’s . This moment of sanity gave me one chance to make a decision. A decision to live. A moment of sanity where I was asked if I needed help. This decision to ask for help was the moment my life changed. It was the day my path towards recovery began. A long and arduous road towards life. A road where my reward was life. A road were each day was a new opportunity to do better. Better today than yesterday. Each day striving to free myself from the fate of premature death. A new day of life. Each day I chose to live I received a reward of more life. Each day I learned a better way to live. As I learned better I chose better and I did better. When I didn’t know what to do I did nothing. Since I can only do what I know had to learn from better teachers. Learn better ways to live. By learning better I did better I became better. I received rewards instead of consequences. The number 1 reward was life. I did better so I can live and not die. Recovery is a process of decisions. A decision to live .
Recovery is a process of decisions.